he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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