I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
