Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize