I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
