when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
