Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You're like the curious george of whores
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
