I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
