I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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