Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
