Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
