my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
