How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
