i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
