I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
