Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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