Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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