Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
