Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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