so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
