it hurts more in the daytime
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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