hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
