i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
