I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
