i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
