Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i dont even know how to be here
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
