I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize