I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize