When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
