Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
