Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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