I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize