Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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