Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
