Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
