I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
