I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
