I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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