When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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