The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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