dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
