I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize