They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
