I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
