it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
