I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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