The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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