Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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