the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize