That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
