Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
