This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
