The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do vagina's smell?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
