Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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