Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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