I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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