i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
