she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
