Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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