My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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