Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
there is glitter all over my balls
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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