Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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