That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
