why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
