Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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