there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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